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Dear Eric: I have been friends with a woman for about 12 years. We have many shared interests and have had fun “adventuring” together. When I met her, she was married but has since become widowed.

Her relationship with her husband was “cringe-worthy” from my perspective. She was always in charge, told him what to do and how to do it, infantilized him, tried to control his every move, was never wrong, never apologized, et cetera.

This summer we both booked the same week-long adventure trip. She went with her new boyfriend. This new relationship is a repeat of her marriage. She belittles him, calls him a dork, makes fun of his jokes, treats him like her lap dog, and generally acts superior in every way.

He seems to tolerate and comply with her demands.

It makes me uncomfortable and angry to see the way she treats him. I’ve lost respect for her and her lack of humanity and decency.

I know some would say, “It’s between them; if he’s OK with it, why should you care?” But it gave me a new view into her character and I don’t like it.

I don’t feel like being friends with her anymore. But the question is, should I tell her why? Part of me thinks that friends should be able to share their feelings/perspectives honestly. But given

her “my way or the highway” style, I think the odds of her receiving my feedback constructively is unlikely.

– Out of Like with My Friend

Dear Friend: Think about what you want the goal of your feedback to be. If you want her to treat her boyfriend differently, you may be overstepping. It’s possible that her way of interacting is too brusque, or even unhealthy. But it’s also possible that what strikes you as cringe-worthy and unworthy of respect, works for the two of them.

If you felt the boyfriend needed protection or intervention, it would be another matter.

But, if your goal in expressing your opinion before breaking your friendship off, is to explain your actions, you’re in the clear. But it’s important to speak from an “I” perspective, as in “this is how I’m experiencing the things that you do; this is how I felt when it happened.”

She may or may not feel compelled to change. That’s not your responsibility. But she’ll understand why this 12-year friendship has hit a rough patch and, in conversation, you two may be able to see each other differently.

Dear Eric: This is just a thought about the letter and your response to “Hard Truths”, which was from a father who didn’t know how to talk to his daughter about his ex-wife’s infidelity.

First, I always think your advice is excellent and wise, as was your response here.

My husband and I divorced nearly 50 years ago after his many affairs, but we were lucky: we had as good a divorce as possible, supporting each other as parents. When our children, and sometimes their cousins, were older and asked why we divorced, I told them that we had grown apart by not paying enough attention to our marriage, which was true, but that their dad was a good man and we both loved them.

I have never told them anything else. They may have other ideas as he married several times after, but all these years later it means we can, with our spouses, celebrate special occasions and holidays together with our children and now our many grandchildren.

– Been There

Dear Been There: Thank you for sharing your experience. You make a very good point. It’s not any parent’s job to manage the relationship between an ex and an adult child. And the details of a divorce are rarely that illuminating because every marriage is different. So, the best option is to tell the truth with respect and dignity.

Dear Readers: From time to time, I prepare a column, or even a week’s worth of columns, dedicated to a specific theme. In preparation for two upcoming themes, I need your help. I’m looking for two kinds of questions. First, do you have what you might consider a petty grievance or a tiny problem that, despite its size, you can’t quite fix? I want to hear about it. This isn’t a call for complaints. We’re looking for problems you want to solve.

The second theme I’m calling Cold Case Questions. Is there something from the past, something that seems settled – for better or worse – that you want to take another look at? A friendship that fell to the wayside, a fight that turned into a cold war, a love lost? Again, I’m all ears. Send them to the regular address: eric@askingeric.com. I’ll print both themes later this year and early next year.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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