Q. My child tells me that she can do various things at her mother’s home that she can’t do at mine. It seems to me that there are no rules over there, and it makes me look unreasonable. I think my ex is doing this on purpose, so the kids will prefer her home. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. My first question is, how do you know?

You said your child tells you she can do things at her mother’s home that she can’t do at yours. That doesn’t necessarily mean there are no rules at mom’s house. It means that’s what your child is telling you.

One of the most common mistakes co-parents make is accepting their child’s report about the other home as fact without checking in with the other parent.

And don’t underestimate your children. Kids can be quite skilled at working different rules in different homes to their advantage. If mom says no, maybe dad will say yes. “Mom lets me stay up until 10,” may simply be an attempt to negotiate a later bedtime. Some children know exactly what they are doing.

That doesn’t make them bad kids. They have simply figured out that there are two homes, two parents and possibly two different answers. If parents don’t compare notes, children can learn very quickly how to play one against the other.

And by compare notes, I don’t mean call your co-parent and say, “Our child says you let her do whatever she wants.” That immediately puts the other parent on the defensive. Ask for information, not an explanation. “Sophie has been asking for a later bedtime and mentioned that she stays up later at your house. What time are you usually putting her to bed?” Now you’re gathering information rather than making an accusation.

That distinction is important. When co-parents approach each other looking for confirmation that the other parent is doing something wrong, almost any conversation can turn into an argument. When they approach each other looking for information, they may find there isn’t much of a disagreement at all.

You may discover that mom does have a bedtime, but it’s later on weekends. Or that extra screen time comes after homework is finished. You might even discover that your child was told exactly the same thing at both homes and was hoping for a different answer from you.

There’s another trap here: co-parenting on the defense.

You hear that things are supposedly more lenient at the other home, so you start changing your rules. You allow a later bedtime because you don’t want mom’s house to be more fun. You loosen up on screen time because you’ve heard there are no limits over there.

Pretty soon you’re not making parenting decisions based on what you believe is appropriate for your child. You’re reacting to what you think is happening at your co-parent’s house.

Don’t let fear that your child will prefer the other home determine how you parent in yours.

Of course, you may compare notes and discover that the rules really are different. Different does not necessarily mean wrong. However, if the difference involves health, safety, school or another important parenting decision, talk directly to your co-parent. Otherwise, maintain the reasonable boundaries you believe are appropriate.

That’s good ex-etiquette

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